Healing Relationships Using MEM
Civilisation revolves around relationships. They are the very woof and warp of life – the very fabric of life. Relationships are the driving force of survival, whether it is the physical connection between a male and a female in the creation of progeny (survival of the species); the connection between a manager and a staff member; the connection between a player and a team captain, or a player and another member of a team. No matter how wide and how far you extrapolate the concept of relationships, they are involved in every facet of life. But sometimes people need help in healing relationships.
Some relationships are stormy and some placid, but no matter what the connection, one’s survival is very dependent upon them. In the case of Charles Dickens’ Ebenezer Scrooge, the only relationship this miserly, self-centred individual enjoyed and considered of value was a connection with money. However, in creating wealth and possessing money he nevertheless had to relate to others. He had, for example, a relationship with his clerk, even though he looked upon that downtrodden individual as a possession. Indeed, no man is an island! A truly happy relationship involves respect for the other or for the other’s viewpoints and a free exchange of views.
The writer of the following was a product of an abusive family environment, but a relationship repair action completely rehabilitated her life.
In October 2002, I was given my life back. After 12 years of ongoing emotional upheaval through events that ran like a bad soap opera, I had lost my health, my home, my job and people that were precious to me. But most of all, I had lost myself. I feel that most of this was created from all the baggage I carried around from an abused childhood. As a family friend once said, ‘You kids weren’t brought up, you were dragged up.’
By 2002, I was ready to give up, there seemed no reason to carry on this life that had become a confusion of emotional pain, loss, and depression. I had forgotten how to laugh or enjoy the wonderful and simple pleasures I had previously known. A dear friend suggested I see John Mace. I’d tried all the usual counselling and antidepressants with only temporary relief, so I was sceptical, but I went and my life began its turnaround. After a few sessions, I was feeling more positive about myself but something still nagged at me. John, in his wisdom, suggested I carry out a relationship procedure to do with a person (in this case, it was my father) who had had such a negative influence on me. That session was the key. Once those negative beliefs, feelings, and emotions were negated, I began to live again.
I no longer reacted badly to triggering events; the raw emotions and overwhelming tears just weren’t there. It was a joy to wake in the early hours of the morning and revel in the peace I felt and knowing that at last I had been given a tool so simple yet so powerful that I could access in the event I needed it. What a marvellous sense of freedom and empowerment! I have since done several relationship sessions and marvelled at the results. I feel like I’ve been wearing extremely dirty, cracked glasses for so long and have been given a new pair to view life in a positive, healthy way. My thanks seem inadequate but nevertheless, I thank you.
JD, Perth WA
IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO
Although interpersonal relationships are the predominant feature in life, it has to be understood that people also relate to groups, organisations and ‘things.’ It is how the client feels about any of them that has to be addressed, for these feelings govern the relationship.
It probably does not require stating, but notwithstanding the above, the relationships, which are of paramount concern in life, are with other people. Examples include a mother relating to her daughter, a business manager relating to his staff, or a husband relating to his wife and children. In the case of a business manager with a staff of 20, it can be said that he is relating to the staff as a whole. But ‘the whole’ is made up of 20 individuals and the real relationship is between the manager and each individual. The most fundamental or simplistic relationship is between two people: there is an interchange of energy between two individuals so that the basic building block in each and every human relationship is the individual. The success, happiness or love achieved from any relationship is dependent on the individuals concerned. This, in turn, depends on the emotional stability and attitudes of each participant as an individual.
It may very well take two to tango, but left unsaid is the assumption that they are both doing the tango and one is not trying to do the waltz! In that situation, the outcome requires no explanation. The first requirement for a fulfilling relationship is a common purpose, a common interest mutually shared. Although a common purpose is necessary in any fruitful relationship, the blossoming or failure of any relationship depends on the attitudes of each individual.
There is more heartache over broken and failed relationships than from probably any other single cause. But just because the common goals and purposes vanish does not mean that the relationship should descend into acrimony, name-calling and finger-pointing. The optimum outcome when separation takes place is a mutually agreeable parting of the ways and, as Utopian as that may sound, it is definitely achievable once the negative attitudes are out of the way. It is well worth remembering that when someone points their finger at anyone else, there are always three fingers pointing back at themselves. It is this circumstance that affords the resolution of any relationship that has hit a rocky road. Provided the common goals and purposes are still there and there is a desire to repair the relationship, it is easily achieved. On the other hand, even with the death of common goals and purposes, an amicable parting is certainly achievable.
DIVORCE AND RELATIONSHIP BREAKDOWN
The divorce courts are full of couples whose attitude towards each other has changed; they married with stars in their eyes, but the twinkle of the stars faded, to be replaced all too often with the flames of anger and animosity. Love, the high aesthetic emotion, has been replaced with mood levels from the other end of the spectrum. There are many apparent reasons for this change, but the inescapable fact is that, rightly or wrongly, they now see each other in a different light.
In any relationship, how one party sees the other is unique. No two people see another in exactly the same way. How a person sees his father is not how his mother sees him as a husband, and it is not how his father’s own mother sees him, or his workmates, or his brother or sister. You can expand this concept as wide as you like, but no two people will have exactly the same opinion of another, for, figuratively, they are each wearing tinted glasses that colour their view of the other.
No one is all-bad; it is the perceived negative characteristics that cause the problem. But it must be understood that the perceived negative characteristics may not be perceived as such by someone else for what matters is how the viewer sees them and the construction he or she puts on them. This means that, in the language of Causism, each person will have created an image of the other person, and it is the image that the person has created to which they react.
As mentioned above, it is the individual who forms the basis of any relationship, and therefore it is the individual’s attitudes, demeanour and emotional stability that are central to any relationship succeeding. If the relationship is not succeeding, these factors need addressing.
HEALING RELATIONSHIPS AND CAUSISM
The procedures developed in Causism are all directed towards individuals to rid them of negative viewpoints. This is why there is always an improvement in clients’ relationships, even though only they, and not the others with whom they relate, have received help. A particular adaptation of the Mace Method has been developed with the express purpose of addressing relationship problems. As simple as this procedure is, its effects are enormous and extend beyond the immediate relationship in ever-widening circles, as the person’s changed demeanour rubs off on other associates. Even in isolation, it can and does create miracles, as the following testimonial – from a woman, 60 plus years old – verifies.
My husband and I were walking on the beach this morning and discussing how lucky we were to be able to live in and enjoy such lovely surroundings, when he added, ‘and to find peace at last in ourselves and our relationship’.* This is thanks to you John and your amazing sessions, particularly the relationship sessions. Since then we have no stress, no upsets and our lives and relationship just flow. There is no undercurrent tension – it has been nothing short of miraculous. We have both been on the personal growth path for years, but your wonderful technology has set us both free to just be – any upset is just like a hiccup, there and gone. Many, many thanks.
[* The husband had been under medical care for many years because of depression and panic attacks that had put enormous strains on their relationship. ]
The negative non-survival viewpoints that we all have are the root cause of any animosity in a relationship, any dislike of the other. Any intolerance towards the other is because the view of the other that has been created contains more negative attributes than positive attributes – the other is ‘not seen in a good light’. This is where the three fingers pointing back come into play: the owner of the three fingers has his or her own negative identity that is reacting to the negativity he or she sees in the other.
John Avery, a very successful practitioner with a remarkable ability to relate to children, told me the following story:
One of his clients asked him to help her daughter, who was very unhappy at school, where she felt another girl was very antagonistic towards her. The daughter, who was a primary school student, agreed to be helped, so John used the relationships repair handling with her. Shortly afterwards, the mother told John that what happened was beyond her wildest dreams: the two antagonists were now ‘best friends’. But there was more to it than that. When John later spoke to the child, she proudly told him that whenever she feels put out by someone she makes herself bigger than the other person, and then she just laughs. Out of the mouths of babes!
HEALING RELATIONSHIPS THROUGH MEM
A recent case history of my own concerned a woman who made an appointment for both herself and her 17-year-old daughter. As they entered my room for a preliminary discussion, the daughter’s belligerence and antagonism were palpable. As soon as they were seated, I looked at the daughter and asked, “What do you want to be handled?” The answer she gave was exactly what her demeanour and body language indicated: ‘Nothing! Mum made me come!’ ‘Okay,’ I replied. ‘You are not looking for help from me, so I will not attempt to give you any. You can wait in the garden while I talk with your mum.’
With a winning smile on her face, she started to get up, but the smile vanished as quickly as it had appeared when her mother turned her wrath on her. She had not driven her daughter 100 miles to see me for nothing! She was going to have some help whether she wished it or not! I interrupted with the obvious question of the young lady, ‘Do you want any help?’ and I received the obvious answer – she was too antagonistic to be anything but honest – ‘No! I want to be left alone!’
It is important to mention that there is no way you can help a person who does not want help, nor can you change anyone who does not want to change. The need to change is in the eyes of the observer; it is certainly not a wish of the individual under scrutiny. That person is happy the way they are. Even if their behaviour could be classed as anti-social, they have no desire to change.
In this particular case, I became a mediator between an angry teenager and a mother who was oscillating between grief and anger. Eventually, it was agreed that the daughter could go into the garden and the mother would have a session with me, which was, of course, the relationship repair procedure.
About 30 minutes later, after a few moments of mutual laughter, we walked together into the garden. The daughter got off the garden bench, a bit apprehensive and not knowing what to expect, but she certainly didn’t expect the smile on her mother’s face or the arms her mother put around her. Not a word was said, and none was needed, but as they left, the mother turned to give me a hug (the best reward of all) and, having the final word while patting the girl’s shoulder, I said to her, ‘I do understand.’
Causism recognises the difference between reacting and responding, in that the former is irrational and non-survival, whereas the latter is definitely rational and pro-survival – particularly for the person concerned. No matter what the response, it is always right for that person – pro-survival for them. The nature of the response is entirely dependent on the circumstances.
In a broader sense, if party A has a relationship repair, their attitude towards part B – their flows – changes. Party B notices the change and, in turn, their flows change towards party A. This change continues reciprocating between both parties, so there is a definite change for the better in their environment.
If you’re struggling with your relationships right now, and want to be free of it, talk to any of our Mace Energy Method Practitioners.
John Mace is the Father of Causism and the Mace Energy Method
Special thanks to the people who captured the images used in this article: